World of Meh!

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‘Splice’ Review

Posted by nonethericher On June - 10 - 2010

I had high hopes for this movie, but now that I look back on the reasons why, I can only come up with one: Adrien Brody. I’ve always really loved watching Adrien Brody onscreen, the gangly awkwardness of his body, the birdlike point of his nose, his voice as he mumbles his lines through an almost timid lip-biting. I’m not quite sure what the appeal is there, but there is appeal nonetheless. Furthermore, I suppose I had high hopes because I’ve not found one good modern scary movie in quite awhile. Granted, I love Eli Roth films and the entire concepts of Cabin Fever and Hostel are terrifying, but outside of Eli Roth’s fun gore movies and the occasional foreign film, where is the horror?  Come on, America. Cater to the uninformed masses and ultimately displease the rest? I digress…

So, in an attempt to find that new horror and with high hopes due to casting, my friend and I embarked to the incredibly and outrageously priced local cinema to see ‘Splice’ (and The Last Exorcism trailer, which looks very good by the way, mostly with Eli Roth’s name attached as ‘producer’). The opening of the movie wasn’t anything special. Nothing about it grabbed my attention and forced me to hang onto every word of the script. One particular scene with a brief appearance of an electronic song made me nod my head in approval a bit, but nothing so good as to keep me wanting to watch. I assumed the plot would be slow; a lot of build up for an incredible conclusion. As the night dragged on I began to realize… This is not going to get any better. And as sure as I thought that, it happened. If you’re familiar with the term ‘beastiality’ then I am sure if I associate it with this movie, your thoughts will have your nose crinkled in disgust. I couldn’t believe what I saw, and the whole audience (There were probably less than ten of us on the second night of it’s opening) gasped and hollered and cursed. It was shocking, but in a way the highlight of the experience because at least it stirred some horrific emotion. I’m trying to be as vague as possible with this just in case some poor soul still decides to venture out and see it. I think the concept of the film may have been an interesting one, but the horror wasn’t there. The thrill wasn’t there. And the script wasn’t there. As far as effects go, I can say “Meh”. I’ve never been that into computerized effects. I much prefer inventive ways to portray something realistically to make the “creature” believable. I will say that regardless of my anti-computerized beliefs, the visual representation of the “creature” (a.k.a. Dren) was quite beautiful. The movie may have a small message on ethics, but that is a small thing to consider in the great scheme of awfulness.

In conclusion, curse you Adrien Brody and the fact that your name cost my friend and I collectively $17.50.

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