Yesterday Chris and I went to see ‘Grown Ups,’ the new Adam Sandler movie. While the movie itself was great, almost everything else about it wasn’t.

Normally we go to Edwards Cinemas up in River Park, but Chris wanted to go all the way out to Sierra Vista because of the amazing candy store, Powell’s Sweet Shoppe. We arrived at the theater to buy tickets 5 minutes after the current ‘Grown Ups’ showing started, and since that was the only movie we wanted to see, we had to wait almost an hour and a half for the next showing.

Unfortunately we went to Powell’s before purchasing tickets, but even if we did the events in reverse, we still wouldn’t have made it in time. Instead we went and got some lunch at the nearby Panera Bread to help soak up some of that time. I got my beloved Napa Almond Chicken Salad Sandwich, and Chris tried a Chicken Caesar Sandwich. While sitting there, we thought about going to a game store that was inside the mall, but the shoes I had on were hurting my pinkie toes, so walking too much started to become torture. Instead I came up with the stupid idea to sit inside the theater until the movie started. Mind you, we still had over 45 minutes by this point.

Inside the theater, I thought there were tables and chairs, like in Edwards, but we got to sit on some hard, cold marble rather than comfy chairs. They had the AC on full blast, so for most of that time I was rather chilly. Since the electronic billboard still said that the current movie was seated, we waited, patiently, and were glad to both own iPhones. When the people started to come out of the theater, the electronic sign said that the next seating wouldn’t start for another 30 minutes, probably to clean the theater I assume. Since I can clearly read, I had no problem following what it said.

Here is where things get a little wonky. At Edwards, each theater has two doors leading into each one - one from the left side, and the other from the right. When there was like a minute left on that clock, and with Chris going to purchase us a couple bottles of water, I decided to head inside and secure us some nice seats. Since the door to the right side was closed, I went in through the left since that one was open and that meant I wouldn’t have to touch a door handle (people these days have poor hand-washing skills, so don’t judge me). When I got inside, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The thing was already over halfway filled, and the only center seats were in the second to top row, between two families. We both hate to sit off to the side, so I snagged those and waited for Chris to come in. While waiting, I tweeted on how the sign said to wait a specific amount of time, on how everybody in here is an illiterate asshole, and went on to describe the incredibly annoying child who was sitting behind me, kicking on the seat. (Side note: parents, if you read this and have children who do this to other movie-goers, either stop the little bastards or remove them from the theater, because I can assure you that one day, some adult is going to go postal on your little demon spawn. You’ve been warned.)

At one point I saw Chris come in to look for me, and to get his attention I pointed and waved at him, but when I saw him exit the theater, I figured that he didn’t see me, and that maybe he went to complain. If there was a sign telling people to wait before entering, and with not even a minute left over half of the room was filled, and no employee enforced anything, I’d probably complain too. So, I proceeded to sit there, having to listen to this annoying, and loud couple to the right of me smack on their popcorn, and comment on almost everything. Minutes passed before I saw Chris again, and by that time the first preview had started, but he was still standing by the entrance. I sa him pointing to the movie screen, and I thought he was trying to ask me if I still wanted to see the movie. It’s a little difficult to make out what a person is saying when you can barely see them, and you have no form of verbal communication to fully grasp what they are trying to say. And with that, I got up, to see what he wanted.

When I did get to him, what he asked me confused me because the words that came out of his mouth were this “Do you want to see this movie?” I said that of course I did, but then he went on to say “This is Toy Story 3.” Oops? Apparently, unlike Edwards with the two doors, the doors to the left lead into one theater, and the doors to the right lead into another. From the angle we sat at in the lobby while waiting, I was only able to see any signage indicating that particular theater was for ‘Grown Ups‘. I felt like an idiot, but at least I got a good laugh out of it. We exited that one and went into the correct one, where I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was pretty empty, so we were able to get almost an entire row to ourselves, until this one family came in…. (pretty ominous, eh?)

Now, an entire row, and there was like 7 of them, mostly all devilish children, and the adult who chose to it next to me came with all of these bags, which ended up coming on over to part of my chair (thanks, asshole), and then she had a young boy sit on her lap. The children, who were easily younger than 5, were loud, talked almost constantly throughout the movie, one made a shotgun sound multiple times (cocking the gun and shooting it repeatedly), and then when that parent got up and left with a female friend of hers to do whatever, the child next to me proceeded to bounce up and down on his chair, furiously shaking mine.

Lately, I’ve been getting this strange vertigo, and I first noticed it when riding elevators. It’s not fun, and I was starting to get seriously nauseated. The parent on the other end didn’t reprimand the child, and he was bouncing so hard that it was even shaking Chris, who was two seats down from the little shit. Next to the hellspawn was a little girl, who kept doing something rather loudly, but I couldn’t tell what it was since it was dark…and then the bouncing started again. I’m so glad the movie was enjoyable otherwise I would’ve lost it. When the movie was over, I was still nauseated, I had a bit of a headache, and all I wanted to do was go home.

It’s bad enough I can’t stand a majority of the human race, much less society, and I already have problems with movie theaters - I have a bit of agoraphobia. So, if that particular family ever stumbles upon this blog, thank you for being irresponsible adults, thank you for not teaching your children to be assholes in public, and I hope, for the sake of this planet, that you cease to produce any more.

Yay movies!

- Me